Nancy had her arms linked in
Bess and George's as the three of them broke through the double doors and
spilled onto the manicured lawn at River Heights High, all in high spirits.
Friday night, the entire weekend in front of them, a rare weekend without a paper
due or a test scheduled for Monday. Nancy felt giddy.
"Movies? Saturday
night?"
Bess shot her cousin a withering
look. "Hello. Saturday is date night. I'm sure Nancy will want to be with
Ned."
"He can come along,"
George said breezily.
"Hey, guys," Nancy
protested, shifting her backpack on her shoulders. She caught herself in
mid-laugh when she saw her father's car waiting in the line. "Oh."
"So are you going to the
movies with him?" Bess demanded, her eyes sparkling.
Nancy pulled her gaze away with
slight difficulty. Her father's car waiting for her instead of Hannah's; she
wondered if he was going to be going out of town for a while, if he wanted to
tell her in person before he left. "Uh, we have plans," she said,
slowly. "But I can see if we can hang out tonight?"
"Ooh!" Bess clapped
her hands while George rolled her eyes. "Whose house?"
"Ugh," George groaned.
"No makeovers. No watching some stupid sappy romance movie, and absolutely
no playing with Barbies."
"We haven't played with
Barbies in years," Nancy retorted, while Bess glared at her cousin.
"Oh, so what do you think we should do then, watch a Pilates video and
then turn on ESPN for a while?" she chimed in.
"Don't tease me,"
George said. "Anyway. If we're going to hang out I need to know soon. You
know how my parents get."
"Right." Nancy was
already looking toward her father's car again, knowing how impatient he could
be when he was preparing for a trip. "I'll give you both a call."
Her father was listening to
music older than she was, tapping his fingers against the steering wheel with
the beat, and Nancy rolled her eyes a little when she slid into his car.
"Hey," she said happily, letting her backpack slide into the
floorboard. She leaned over to kiss him on the cheek. "Didn't expect to
see you."
"I know," Carson
sighed, shifting the car into gear. "Do Bess and George need a ride
too?"
"Oh, no," Nancy said,
buckling in. "They get their own ride. So to what do I owe the
pleasure?"
"Can't a dad pick his
daughter up from school?"
"Not without telling her
why," Nancy replied quickly.
Carson chuckled. "Is this
my fault?"
"You did raise me,"
Nancy said. "Anyway, tell. Please."
"Do you have plans with
Bess and George tonight?"
"Depends on whether you say
yes," she replied. "And don't think I'm going to just let this
go."
"It's nothing," Carson
protested. "I just wanted to pick you up."
Nancy studied him for a moment,
then sat back, her arms folded, her eyes gleaming.
When the two of them went into
the house, Nancy went immediately to the kitchen, to find Hannah cutting up
fruit for her snack. "Have a good day?"
"Oh..." Nancy glanced
over at the backpack she had left on the table. All day she'd been happily
awaiting telling Hannah; the thought of it had fled when she saw her father
waiting for her instead. "I made an A on that paper I did for
History."
"Congratulations!"
Hannah wiped her wet hands before wrapping Nancy in a warm hug. She went to the
refrigerator for the milk while Nancy munched thoughtfully on an apple slice.
"Is there a reason Dad
picked me up today?"
"I don't know," Hannah
said, then poured Nancy a glass. "Like what?"
"Like he's going out of
town," Nancy said, a small frown creasing between her eyebrows.
When Carson came back in,
sorting through the mail, Hannah called out, "So how many for dinner
tonight?"
Nancy shrugged. "If Bess
and George come over, it'll probably be after."
"Count me out."
"Count you out?" Nancy
chimed in, pulling a face when her father didn't hand her any mail. He split
the phone bill envelope open with his thumb, carefully avoiding looking at his
daughter. "Are you doing something tonight? Playing cards with Uncle
Jon?"
Carson chuckled at the thought.
"No, not tonight. I'm having dinner with a friend."
"A friend I've met?"
Carson shook his head and
ruffled Nancy's hair before she squirmed out from beneath. "No. A friend
you haven't met. I thought parents' lives were deathly boring to most
kids," he mock complained.
"Yeah, but you don't have a
life," Nancy said, her blue eyes wide. At the look her father gave her,
she rushed to explain. "All you do is have cases, and cases are
fascinating."
"It's not a case. I'm sorry
to disappoint you. Though I did have something come across my desk today that I
thought you'd enjoy hearing about." He started looking over the phone
bill.
Nancy opened her mouth to say
something, then walked over to the couch and sat with her arms folded, just
gazing at him. She watched as he opened the rest of the mail, sorting it into
shred and save piles, found the television remote and turned it on, and put his
feet up on his ottoman. Then he glanced over at her, and she had that same calm
speculative look on her face, and he sighed.
"You left your fruit in the
kitchen," Hannah admonished, bringing in the plate and Nancy's glass.
"Are you going to finish your snack?"
"Thanks," Nancy said,
biting into a slice of apple. When she had bustled out again, Nancy turned
expectantly back to her father, her teeth slicing sharply through the skin.
"Nancy," he said, and
sighed. "I... I'm going to dinner with a date tonight."
She blinked at him.
"What?"
The look on her face was rapidly
darkening. "I've met someone, she's very intelligent and quite attractive,
and we're having dinner."
"You met her where?"
Carson turned the television
volume down a few clicks. "Through work."
"Is she your client? You know
you're not supposed to date clients."
"I know I'm not supposed to
date clients, because I'm the one who told you about that," he said, and
his gaze wasn't unsympathetic. "She's not a client, she's a colleague. And
it's just dinner."
Nancy looked down at the piece
of apple still in her hand, and put it on her plate, slowly. "But you like
her," she said, and the words came unwillingly, like drawing knotted
scarves from her throat.
"Yes. I like her."
He knew the next question, but
she couldn't bring herself to ask it. She had gone a little pale, and then she
blinked and she wasn't calm, but she was at least pretending. "I need to
call Bess and George and tell them they can come over tonight, if that's still
okay," she said, and glanced over at him.
"That's fine, Nan."
She brushed by the coffee table
so close the surface of the milk rippled, but she didn't look back, and Carson
rubbed his temples. He had never gone so far as to lie to her, and when she had
been young he had made her his priority, politely dissuading all offers from
sympathetic women who saw him with Nancy and wanted to help, in whatever way
they could. Hannah had been a part of buffering him from that world, giving
Nancy all the love and support she could without clouding the issue of their
relationship or her place as Nancy's mother. He had loved Catherine too much to
fade Nancy's memory of her early, to usurp the place she had had in her
daughter's life.
But he had been alone for nearly
thirteen years, and Martine really was beautiful.
Nancy swept back in with her
backpack hanging from one shoulder, picked up her plate and glass and headed
for the stairs. "I'm going to fix up my room before they come over,"
she said, not looking at her father, and then she was gone.
By the time he had steeled
himself enough to knock on her door, she had already put on some new album,
rather loudly, the bass carrying through to the hallway. She took a moment to
answer his knock, but at least she did, he told himself. She had her bouts of
moodiness, her rages, but for the most part she was well-behaved and
respectful. It made the stormy look on her face all the more disconcerting.
"Are you all right?"
The truth crossed her face
before the lie left her mouth. "I'm fine," she said, stepping back.
She was sorting clothes into laundry baskets, and her cosmetics, the ones
Hannah had carefully schooled him on, were strewn across her vanity, but otherwise
she didn't have much to do. He gingerly moved a stack of polo shirts and
perched on the edge of her bed, as she turned the volume down slightly and
knelt under the stereo, sweeping up another armful of shirts.
"I think we need to talk
about... this."
"Oh?" Fire flashed in
her blue eyes, but she always remembered who she was addressing, and the rage
only shook her voice a little. "What is there to talk about?"
"You're upset about
this."
She kept her eyes closed a
second too long, and with a painful tug at his heart he recognized it, the echo
of his wife. "It's a date," she said, steadily. "You didn't say
you were going-- to marry her," she finished, but then she glanced up at
him, and it was very obvious to him then that that was exactly what she was
afraid of.
"That's true," he
said.
"So there's nothing for me
to be upset about."
For a moment he cursed himself
for all of it, sharing cases with her, training her to think this way, training
her to marshal her emotions and bury it in logic, facts and figures, the
provable truth and the plausible lie. He had been mother and father to her
almost her whole life, and Hannah practically so, but that single word said so
much. Practically. There was a distance between Nancy and Hannah that could
never be breached, no matter how they laughed together or how many times Nancy
shared her fears and joys with her.
He couldn't imagine it. He
couldn't imagine how it must feel to her. He knew her mind, had been training
it to follow his own since she was old enough to understand him, but sometimes
her heart still eluded him.
"Does that mean you don't
want to talk about it?"
"What is there to
say?" she asked, and her eyes were gleaming.
"Oh... Nancy," he
sighed, and when he picked her up and drew her into his arms, she buried her
face against his chest immediately, like a child.
"I knew," she gasped
through her sobs. "I knew one day you'd say it and I thought I was ready
but... Dad."
He stroked her back. "Shh,
shh, it's all right," he said, feeling powerless.
"Do you have to go
tonight?" She pulled back, her eyes streaming, and the sight of her like
that made him miserable. "Bess and George don't have to come over. We can
watch a movie together. We can go out." She wiped at her face, glancing up
at him, but when his expression didn't soften, she dropped her gaze.
"Nancy."
"Even if I asked, you
wouldn't stay," she said, her voice flat.
He tilted her chin up.
"You're my daughter," he said, firmly. "You know I love you. So
don't try to make me feel guilty like that. I'd give you the world if I
could."
She wiped at her eyes again.
"But you won't do this for me," she sighed.
"She's a wonderful woman.
If you met her, you'd like her."
Nancy pushed away from him.
"I don't want to meet her," she burst out, kicking at one of the
baskets, and it slid a few inches. "I don't..." She glanced up at him
again, almost daring him to stop what he knew she was going to say. "I
don't want you to go tonight."
He folded his arms. "If I
don't go tonight, it'll be next week," he said, keeping his voice neutral.
"If it's not Martine, it'll be someone else. I will always love your
mother, and I will always love you," he said, catching and holding her
gaze. "But in a few years you're going to be gone to college and I'm going
to be terribly lonely without the two of you."
"So wait," she said,
pleading in her voice. "Wait until I'm not here. It's not so long. I
just..."
"Do you think it'll be
easier when you're not here to see it?"
"Yes," she said,
nodding so firmly that he had to bite his tongue to keep from laughing. "I
can... I don't know. It's just always been the two of us," she said,
trailing off, shrugging a little, and he knew what she meant. It had always
been the two of them.
"So why don't you just stop
seeing Ned until you're in college?" he asked, and she glanced at him
sharply, but there was no anger in his voice. "If it's so soon."
"That's not the same,"
she said, her eyes narrowing.
"It isn't? You go out with
him on the weekends, he gets along with your friends, and as far as I can tell,
he treats you well," Carson said. "We don't do movie night anymore,
and he's there for you." He stepped toward her. "Nan, you're growing
up. You don't need me anymore."
"Yes I do!" she cried
out, hurt in her voice. "Ned isn't you! You..." She shook her head,
incoherent with frustration, and sat down on her bed.
"It's all right,"
Carson said. "You know, it was a shock to me too, the day you brought Ned
home." He sat down beside her. "You never looked at any of the rest
of them like that. I wasn't afraid until then. Plus he has a car," Carson
said darkly, and Nancy had to chuckle at him a little.
"But Ned... Ned doesn't
take your place," she said. "And if you go tonight..."
"Martine's not going to
take your place," he said, touching her shoulder. "She's not. And
whether I continue dating her, or not, she won't take your mother's place. No
one's going to do that." He sighed.
Nancy looked down at her hands,
clenched in her lap. "I hear you say it," she said softly, "but
I can't quite believe it."
"Do believe it," he
told her quietly. "You'll see. And if it is too much for you to handle,
which I sincerely doubt," he said, brushing her hair away from her wet
face, "then I'll just be quieter about it."
"Don't," she said,
shaking her head. "I'd rather you tell me the truth than lie to me about
it."
He nodded, then rose to his
feet. "All right. Now I have to go get ready, and you have to finish with
your room."
"Yeah," she said
softly. He made it to the door before her hesitant "Dad?" had him
turning around again.
"I love you."
"I love you too." He
smiled.
"But if she has two
stepdaughters..."
"I'll make sure they're not
evil," he teased her back.
"And if she smokes cigarettes
in long ivory holders?"
"Then she's out," he
said firmly.
She came over to him and wrapped
him in a hug. "It'll be all right," she said, as much for her own
benefit as his.
"Yeah, it will," he
told her, stroking her back. "You're very intimidating. And I won't bring
anyone home unless I'm very sure."
She nodded. "My screening
process is very thorough," she said, primly. "I picked it up from a
master."
Carson chuckled and dropped a kiss
on the crown of her head. "I'll depend on it," he said.