Closing scene from Files 119:

Nancy took Ned's hand and led him into the den. For a few minutes they sat on the sofa talking about what they had been doing the past few weeks. Nancy quickly filled Ned in on the latest details of the case.

"Nancy, I think you attract danger," Ned said when she had finished. "Now, tell me what else happened that weekend."

Nancy looked at him in surprise. He knew her so well, she thought as she took a deep breath.

"It's all in the past tense, Ned. My date, Nicholas, and I were attracted to each other, but I realized that it was all wrong. No one could be right for me the way you are."

She looked into Ned's eyes, trying to read what he was thinking. Her heart hammered in her chest. Would their years together be lost, or would he understand?

After a moment Ned took Nancy into his arms. "Don't ever forget what you just said, Nan," he said. His lips brushed her forehead.

"I won't," she said, and rested her head on his chest.

The newspaper lay on the coffee table where Nancy had thrown it. On the front page was a picture of Nancy, Nicholas, Tania Allens, and a police officer. Nancy and Ned glanced at the picture at the same time.

"So, the case is wrapped up for good?" Ned asked.

Nancy looked deep into Ned's eyes. She put her arms around her boyfriend and kissed him.

"For good," she said.

--

He hadn't smiled, in the entire time after.

Nancy was sitting next to Ned on the couch. She had suggested a movie and he had agreed; now the den was cool and dim, their conversation had dwindled to nothing when his answers shortened to monosyllables, and she could feel the hard tense knot in her stomach growing every time she took a breath. His arm was over her shoulders, but his touch was light, almost perfunctory, and she couldn't bring herself to nestle into his side or rest her head against his shoulder.

"Did you mean what you said earlier?"

His voice was so low that she wasn't sure he had even spoken, for a second. "Yes," she whispered.

His arm slid from around her shoulders, his hand resting in his lap, but his gaze was still centered on the screen. Her hand rested on her knee, and she wanted to touch him, but the knot in her stomach wouldn't let her.

"Ned?"

He half-shook his head. "I don't believe you."

"Don't believe what?" The movie forgotten, Nancy turned to face him. After a beat, Ned found the remote and stabbed one of the buttons, and the picture on the television dissolved into darkness.

"I just don't think I can do this anymore."

"What?" Nancy leaned down, craning her neck to catch his gaze, her heart in her throat when she saw the fierce light in his eyes. "Ned, what are you saying?"

He glanced at her, his mouth curving up in a humorless smile. "I'm tired of being just another one of your boyfriends, Nancy."

"But you're not," she protested, one of her hands finding his knee. "You're the one I care about, you're the one I come back to..."

He stood up suddenly and her hand fell away. "I'm the one you come back to," he repeated. "Not the one who goes with you. And every case you have, I keep wondering if this is gonna be the one where you finally, just, don't."

Nancy stood to face him. "I would never do that."

"You wouldn't what? Flirt with another guy? How far did it go with this one, Nancy?"

"Ned..."

"Was it the uniform? Is that what it took, this time?"

"It's not like that," she said slowly, emphasizing every word. "After all the time we've been together..."

"What has it mattered?" Ned demanded. "All it means is that every time this happens, you just shove in my face how much you take me for granted."

"But I don't," Nancy said, and she could feel that first tickle in her throat as her voice began to fail.

Ned made a derisive noise. "Do you know that every time I hear the name 'Sasha,' I feel like punching someone? And whenever you tell me you're anywhere near Frank Hardy..."

"We're just friends," she said, but the blush was rising in her cheeks, and from the way he studied her she knew it was showing. "There's nothing more than that."

Ned shook his head, then reached for the car keys he had left on the coffee table. "I'm sorry," he muttered, and then he was walking away from her, and as she stood in the deep darkness of the den she remembered another night, watching him walk away from her, and the memory of her grief and emptiness galvanized her.

He was on the porch when she caught up to him, and she pulled the door closed behind her before she restrained him with a hand on his arm. "Ned, wait."

He turned around to face her, his shoulders slumped, his lips firmly closed, his eyes defeated.

"I can't..." She shook her head, then peered at him from beneath her lashes, her blue eyes searching his. "This isn't just another fight."

He shook his head. "This is our only fight," he murmured. "I'm just sick of doing this, over and over, and nothing ever changes."

"Ned, you have to believe me..."

He smiled again, that humorless smile she hated. "I have believed you," he said, and his voice was calm, and that scared her more than his shouting ever would. He was resigned. "And I believe you now. You have no intention of ever doing this again. I know that. And I also know that the next time you meet another guy... I don't know when, I don't know who he'll be, and," he chuckled, and the sound was dry and dark, "I haven't known about all of them before today, and I won't know about them after. I'm just tired of feeling this worthless."

Nancy just stood watching him, her eyes filling with tears. Ned was quiet when the first one slid down her cheek.

"You don't understand, do you."

"No," she said, her voice catching in a sob at the end of it, as she shook her head. "I love you, I've loved you from the first time we met, and I have never felt this way about anyone else."

"But it's not enough," he said, almost gently. "It's not enough to keep you faithful to me."

"So what are you saying?" Nancy spread her arms wide and gasped in another breath. "I know... I know you asked me a long time ago, if I would marry you..." She smeared her palms over her cheeks.

Ned laughed. "That's the biggest mistake we could possibly make," he replied. "I can't even trust you now. How will a ring make that any different?"

Nancy looked down. "I don't want to break up with you," she said, her voice almost sullen.

"Do you think I want to break up with you?" He shook his head. "I look at you and I see the girl I fell in love with... I just don't know how I feel about the woman you're becoming."

This time when he walked away, she couldn't find the strength to follow him.

--

"He's right."

"What?"

Nancy, Bess, and George sat in the middle of the floor in George's bedroom, assembled for damage control. Bess had stopped by a gas station convenience store on the way over, and had made it halfway through a bag of Doritos while Nancy had told her story. George had opted for the fat-free Pringles. Nancy had ripped open the bag of peanut M&Ms, but hadn't yet actually eaten one. She plucked out a blue one and popped it into her mouth while she stared at Bess, waiting for an explanation.

Bess took a napkin and started scrubbing her orange fingertips. "You do take Ned for granted," she replied. "And no matter what, even after Mick and Sasha and Frank and..."

"Daryl," George interjected, and Nancy gave her an only half-playful glare.

"Man, that was a long time ago," Bess sighed. "Anyway, Nan. You do come back to him, say you're sorry, and then like a month later we catch you making out with a cop in a broom closet."

"I do not make out with cops in broom closets," Nancy said, flushing.

"No, but you've totally wanted to."

Nancy shook her head. "Have I really been this terrible to him?"

George nodded solemnly. "All kidding aside, I know he loves you to death, but I really don't understand how he's put up with it for this long."

"How did you feel when you found out about Belinda?" Bess asked.

"Or Denise?" George continued.

"Or Laura?" Bess giggled slightly after the last, but her expression was still sympathetic.

Nancy smiled down at her lap, even as she felt another tear streak down her swelled cheeks. "Immunity potion," she whispered. Then she looked up at Bess. "I felt horrible," she said.

"You felt like fighting for him," George said. "Didn't you?"

Nancy nodded. "Maybe... oh God, I don't want to break up with him. I don't want this to be over just because of one little kiss."

"But it's not," Bess said gently. "It wasn't one little kiss. And to Ned, this wasn't just some kiss. It never has been."

"But I don't know what to do," Nancy confessed, hugging her bent legs to her chest, resting her chin against her knees. "I told him how much I love him, I told him... I even... how could it have come to this," she trailed off, rubbing her palms over her wet face. "When I said something about when he proposed to me, he said that was the worst mistake we could make..."

"Oh, Nancy," Bess said softly, coming over to loop her arm around Nancy's shoulders.

George put the lid back on her can of Pringles. "You need to show him," she said. "If he doesn't believe it when you say it, show him."

"How?"

George and Bess exchanged a glance, but George answered. "I don't know, but it needs to be good," she said softly. "If you want to keep him."

--

Despite George's insistence that Nancy could stay over, Nancy went back home alone, drained. The porch and den were deserted. Her personal answering machine was empty, her caller ID blank. Ned hadn't called.

Nancy sat cross-legged on her bed, staring at the halo of light around Ned's picture, and in the back of her head she could feel the low dim roar of anxiety and fear. Back when they had first started dating, he had won her a small white stuffed bear clutching a heart in its arms, at a county fair shooting gallery, and she held it now cradled in her hands, stroking its fur, its slick button eyes gleaming back at hers as she glanced up at Ned's picture again.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I never thought... I never wanted to hurt you."

She buried her face in her hands, closing her eyes, and started crying quietly, in great gasping sobs, curled up with the bear cradled against chest, until she was exhausted. But even then the fear didn't leave her; whenever she thought she had almost managed to relax again, the memory of their conversation came back with a sudden jerk of her heart, and she couldn't sleep. She tossed and turned, and kept rolling onto her side just to see him gazing at her from his photograph.

In the morning, when the smell of Hannah's cooking and the creeping wedge of sunlight found her, Nancy showered and found a dress he had always liked. A gold locket, small gold hoops for earrings, and heels, and she was ready. She looked at herself in the mirror and nodded at her reflection, keeping her lips tight together. The makeup covered the dark smudged shadows under her eyes, the marks of her sleepless night. She was more sure than ever that she needed to find a way to convince Ned of her love, to do what George had suggested and show him how much he meant to her.

She just had no idea where to start.

--

"Can we talk?"

Ned hesitated for only a second before he stood back, gesturing for her to come inside. Nancy took a deep breath before she followed.

"So."

"Are you going to be staying with your parents for the rest of the weekend?"

Ned shrugged. "I guess," he said softly. "It's a long drive back."

Nancy looked down. "I never realized how much I was hurting you," she said quietly.

He made a soft noise. "That doesn't surprise me," he replied.

Nancy looked over at him. "I've been horrible to you, haven't I," she said. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"You want to know the truth?"

Nancy nodded. "Of course I do."

"I thought it was the price to pay, to be with you," he said quietly. "You're my first celebrity."

Nancy laughed, shaking her head. "I'm not a celebrity."

"You get fan mail," he pointed out mildly, the corner of his mouth quirking up. "The rest of us? Don't get fan mail."

"Regardless," she said. Her fingers twitched, longing to cross the distance between them and touch him, but she stilled them with effort. "Besides, I'm sure the captain of the Emerson basketball team has more than a few fans."

"Maybe," Ned replied.

Nancy kept her eyes on his. "I bet there are a lot of girls at Emerson who've said they're available, for whenever you find yourself single. Girls who would be easier for you to date."

"Maybe, but there's no one in the world like you," he told her. "I know other people see you the way I do, but I just... never thought you'd act on it."

Nancy twisted her fingers in her lap, fighting to keep her voice level. "There's no one in the world like you, either," she said softly. "You understand me, you keep me grounded..."

Ned looked away, and she could see the muscle moving in his jaw, but he didn't respond.

Nancy took a long breath. "I know--now, I know how terrible I've been, how much I've hurt you, and... God, I can't believe you ever thought this was how it was supposed to be."

"I believed in you," he said. "Every time, when you said it was the last time, I wanted to believe you. I thought it was just a phase, that I wasn't trying hard enough, but if it's just that I'm not good enough for you..."

"You're better than 'good enough' for me," she told him, her eyes searching his. "When I think of the rest of my life, Ned... I've always seen you in it."

His gaze softened for a second. "Nan..."

"You gave me a thousand chances," she said. "I know I don't deserve it, but if you, can just... stay until tomorrow."

He nodded. "I can do that."

She risked a quick smile. "Okay," she said. "I'll see you then. And..."

"What is it," he asked softly when she didn't continue. She could see the familiar concern on his face for a second, and her heart skipped a beat.

"Can I hug you?"

"Yeah, you can hug me," he said, his mouth quirking up again. Nancy wrapped her arms around him and rested her cheek against his chest, her eyes closed, and when his arms slid around her in return she sighed. This can't be the last time, she thought, swallowing the lump in her throat. We're not over. Not like this.

"It'll be okay," she murmured, and when he pulled back she reached up to cup her hand over his cheek, following her caress with a chaste kiss. "I'll see you tomorrow."

He nodded, his gaze following her until even her car's taillights were out of sight.

--

"Hey."

"Hey," Ned replied cautiously. "I didn't expect to hear from you so soon."

As soon as she had come back home, she had politely refused Hannah's dinner in favor of a glass of water, and had gone to her room to call Ned before she could lose her nerve.

"I wanted to tell you I'm sorry."

Ned was quiet for a minute. "I'm listening."

"I keep wanting to... to promise, to talk," she confessed. "But that won't do any good, will it."

"Not much," he admitted. "I'm not doing this to hurt you, Nancy. I'll care about you the rest of my life, I know that. But there's only so many times I can let you break my heart."

"Don't say that," Nancy whispered.

"It's true."

Nancy looked down at the bear. "You remember, we'd just been dating for a little while, and we went to the fair that fall..."

"Yeah, I remember."

Nancy smiled. "You won me a bear."

"Then you won me a baseball cap and totally showed me up."

"I still have the bear."

"I still have the cap," he admitted. "I think I wore it out the next summer, but I still have it somewhere."

"You've been a part of my life for too long, for me to let you go without a fight," she told him, rubbing her fist over her eyes.

Ned sighed. "If we make it through this..."

"We will make it through this," she told him, staring down into the bear's black, shining eyes.

"I can't do this anymore unless something changes. Unless our relationship changes."

"I know," Nancy murmured. "I just don't know how to convince you that I will change."

"I don't know how you can do it, either," he replied, softly.

Nancy sighed and lay down on her side with the phone to her ear, the bear cradled to her chest. "I love you," she whispered. "I can't imagine life without you, and I don't want to."

Ned chuckled. "I think my life would be a lot less exciting, without you."

Nancy closed her eyes. "You've been strong for me, when I needed you," she whispered. "And maybe this is the strongest thing you've ever done... and maybe you would be happier without me, eventually. But if there's one thing I know, after all these other guys, after the thousand ways I've hurt you... it's that I'll never be happy without you. And maybe it took this long for me to realize that my relationship with you might be the most important one I'll ever have. But, knowing that, I can't just take you, or take this, for granted anymore. Every day I have with you, every chance I have to make you see how important you are to me... I need to take. If you'll let me."

He was breathing slowly on the other end of the line, and Nancy squeezed her eyes tight shut, pressing the bear close to her.

"Tomorrow," he said softly. "We have tomorrow."

She smiled. "Then I'll just have to make sure that's enough."

--

"Have you slept at all?"

Hannah was leaning against the door frame of Nancy's bedroom the next day, her arms crossed, her expression concerned. Nancy, sitting at her vanity, took the last curler out of her hair and fluffed it with her fingers.

"I did sleep," Nancy said. "Not much, but I did."

"You barely had anything to eat yesterday," Hannah continued.

Nancy vanished into her closet, appearing a few minutes later in a flared knee-length black skirt and a soft blue sleeveless shirt. "I will eat," Nancy promised, and flashed Hannah a quick, sad smile. "I need to look great, though. What about this?"

Hannah surveyed her outfit critically, then vanished into Nancy's closet, returning with a v-necked platinum jersey shell. "This has always looked good on you," she said, handing it to her with a smile. "I'm just going to finish packing everything up. And if he doesn't come around after this meal, I'll sit the boy down and have a talk with him myself."

When Ned answered his parents' door half an hour later, he took her in and nodded slowly. "You look good," he said. "Should I go change?"

Nancy looked at his black polo shirt and jeans. "No," she said, reaching up to kiss him on the cheek. "You look great."

On the bank of the river, he helped her spread the blanket and anchor it at the corners, marveling at every dish as she unpacked it. His eyes were bemused when they met hers. "Hannah outdid herself."

Nancy nodded, looking down, pushing a lock of hair behind her ear. "Here," she said, handing him a plate. "Go ahead."

Ned sat back as Nancy poured him a glass of lemonade. "Thanks," he said, taking the glass, their fingers brushing. He made it through half his plate, complimenting everything, before he finally put it to the side and held his arms out.

"Come here."

Nancy slipped out of her shoes and came over to him, and he pulled her down to sit against him, her back to his front, his legs on either side of hers. He wrapped his arms around her waist and Nancy closed her eyes, resting her hand over his.

He leaned forward and she could feel his breath against her ear. "Talk to me," he whispered, and she shivered, then took a deep breath.

"I don't want to let you go."

He nodded, his lips brushing the curve where her neck met her shoulder. "I know."

"I thought I knew you so well," she said. "Sometimes I even thought I knew what you were thinking, and it scares me to think that I couldn't see this. After all the time we've been together, I didn't understand, I didn't see what I was doing to you. And it may mean nothing to you, to hear this, but I need to tell you that I am sorry. Even if you can't forgive me... and maybe I don't deserve to be forgiven, for hurting you so much."

"I think I can forgive you when I see something change," he admitted softly. "But if all this, if it's all just words..."

"It's not," Nancy said, trying to swallow the lump in her throat. "You've saved my life, so many times, you've been there for me so many times... But I can't remember the last time we did something just because you wanted to. It's been a long time since we've just been able to be alone, with each other, without any distractions. I think a big part of that was because... I know how you feel, how you felt," she corrected herself, "about me, and it scared me, because I wasn't ready to commit myself to anyone, and you never pressed me. I just thought, when the time was right, that you would be there, waiting until I was ready."

Nancy shook her head. "I've been taking you for granted," she said. "All those times I thought you were just being so understanding, it was just because I was being selfish, and I thought that if you didn't break up with me, everything would be all right between us. Because it's all been about me, my feelings, what I wanted to do. And it's a rush, to meet some other guy, to know that he thinks I'm special. But they don't get to see what's behind it, they're not there to pick up the pieces after. You are. And I love you so much but I've been treating you like dirt, every single time I make the decision to act on those stupid feelings..."

Nancy pulled her knees up and buried her face in her hands, and Ned leaned forward, making comforting noises in her ear, holding her tight.

"You have," he agreed, once she had calmed down. "But I can't do anything about what you feel. All I can see is what you do."

Nancy nodded. "We need to start over," she told him softly. "Clean slate. Because when we are together, Ned... it's just right. And I'm asking a lot of you, I know that. I don't deserve this. I can say to you that I'm going to change, and Ned... I will change. I have changed. But I think you need to see it for yourself."

His lips brushed her ear. "And we're going to forget everything that's happened."

Nancy shook her head again. "I won't forget this," she whispered. "I've lost you before, and it was hard enough then. But I couldn't live with myself if I lost you now. I owe it to you, to both of us, to remember what we have and not violate your trust in me every time I have a chance."

Ned nodded, but stayed quiet, and Nancy turned in his arms, on her knees, her gleaming eyes searching his.

"You've never seen how much you mean to me," she told him softly. "I want to show you. I want you to understand, and I never want you to doubt us again."

Ned looked down. "I just want you to see that there are consequences when you do this. Even when you don't see them, even when I don't tell you. As much as I love you, I can't keep killing myself for you. I'd walk to the end of the earth for you, but it kills me every time I find out that there's someone else, even when it's already over. I don't want to live like this, wondering."

Nancy nodded. "I know."

He ran his hand over her hair, gently. "I'm going to give us another chance."

Nancy launched herself into his arms, hard, wrapped tight around him, her face against his neck. "Ned... thank you, thank you so much."

He laughed softly at the sheer relief in her voice. "Just don't make me regret this."

"You won't," Nancy promised, pulling back to see his eyes. "You won't."

He sighed good-naturedly. "This is what I get, for being in love with the daughter of a defense attorney. You could promise me the moon right now, and I'd almost believe you."

She put her palm on his cheek. "It doesn't matter if you believe me," she murmured. "You'll see. I plan on being your girlfriend for a long time, Ned."

"Not just another," he said, and when he kissed her she returned it, hard, relieved.

"You've never been just another to me."